Second family

There was a lot going this last weekend, emotionally. I spent most of Saturday with Mark and Lucas, first visiting the cemetary, the first time I've been back since the burials, and then going with them to the first birthday party of one of Midi's counsin's sons. I'm glad I did all of those things; I have wanted to connect with Midi's family when I can. Her extended family is fairly close, and I feel like I know them all pretty well after the many years of talking about them and praying for them with Midi. There was a video at the party, and it included clips of Nathan and Midi with the family, the first time I've seen video of them since the accident.

But the thing I was most grateful from the weekend was the extended time with Lucas. For a while now I've been aware that my feelings toward Lucas have been shifting. I have always loved him and Nathan. I spent the whole day at the hospital the day they were born, just as Midi did with Emma. While we had never formalized anything between us, David and I considered Mark and Midi godparents to our children, and they had communicated similar sentiments to us regarding the twins. Nathan and Lucas were the closest thing I had to nephews, and my affection and concern for them was on par with that.

But with Midi's death, something changed for me in regards to Lucas. A few days after the accident, David and I had offered to Mark that we would move to be with them or near them if he wanted us to. But by about a week later, I realized that even if Mark never asked us, I would still want to relocate to be near them, that I wanted our family to overlap more with him and Lucas from here on. And in the weeks since, I've felt more and more that particularly with Lucas, I want to not be a substitute mother for him, but to fill as much of the gap that Midi's death left for him as much as possible.

My role so far has been more of a logistical one with Lucas and Mark, helping to manage all the details that have followed in the wake of the accident. I and the kids and often David have managed to get up to their house at least once a week, but I often have spent most of my time there making phone calls or handling various things. And quite frankly, with Emma and Soren visiting, Lucas is far more interested in running around with them than connecting with me. So it was nice to have a day where it was just me with Mark and Lucas. When it was time for me to leave, Lucas asked me not to go but to come with them to the next place they were going, which meant a lot to me.

I (and David) talked with Mark about my desire to help fill the mother gap for Lucas on Friday night. I've been very aware that no matter how strongly I may feel, it is Mark's decision what role I will have in his son's life. And while Mark has welcomed my help as manager, I wasn't sure how he'd feel about this. It was a good talk, and I think we are on the same page about it all. Mark talked about the idea of "second family", that he got from one of the books on raising boys that he's read, that boys have various circles of families around them. He said he sees us as Lucas' second family. We both agreed that how close our circle is to that of Lucas' first family, Mark and probably Midi's parents right now, will vary at certain points. If we are able to move closer to them, that will help bring it in tighter, as will our continuing to be around Lucas on a more regular basis in the short term. And if down the road, 5 or 10 years from now, Mark and Lucas' circumstances change and they don't need us to be so close in, our circle can extend out a bit more.

It has been a strange experience for me to have this little boy become so close to my heart, especially because of the suddenness of the shift in how I view him and because it almost has less to do with him than it does my friendship with Midi. I feel committed to him because of my commitment to her. I pray that God makes it clear to me, to Mark and to David what my role in his life should look like, both now and in the time to come.