This last week or so has been particularly hard. Circumstances have been difficult: David has been either working late or not home much of the last week, I've been working hard to finish up a number of tasks before my sabbatical, and there have been a number of ongoing "frustrations", such as contacts that were promised to arrive but never did. I'm not sure if being on my own so much with the kids is more of a cause or an effect, but both the isolation and fatigure/stress of being more a single parent for the week have certainly played into me not doing as well.
In the midst of all of that, I definitely have been grieving more. Often when things had been busier for David, I would make a point of setting up a "girls night out" with Midi soon after. So under normal circumstances, she and I would have been meeting up sometime this week to catch up with each other. The week before the accident, we went out to dinner and saw "Juno" together, and it was such a fun night. Being with her like that, especially in the midst of our busy lives and all of the other relationships and responsibilities we had, was always such a joy for me. I miss her companionship, how known I was by her and how well I knew her, her care for me, being with each other in the momentous things, like how her adoption process was going (Mark and Midi were going to adopt a girl from Korea in the next year), to the little things, like enjoying a movie together or finding great clothes on sale for the kids.
I'm sure I will go out with other girl friends to see a movie or catch up with each other over a meal. But there are some things that will never be the same. There are so many tangibles and intangibles that are noticeably gone from my life now without Midi in it.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sabbatical Countdown
In 2 weeks, I will officially be on sabbatical with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. For the next 6 months, my only job responsibilities will be to rest, connect with Jesus, and spend some time discerning next steps, both in terms of my vocation as well as for my family.
Things I will miss:
Things I will miss:
- Seeing first-hand the good things God is doing in the students I work with, especially the crew at UC Irvine where I've had more of a hands-on role the last 2 years. It felt very bittersweet saying good-bye to them at UCI's last large group meeting of the quarter last week.
- The team experience with my staff partners
- Believe it or not... work in general. I like having things to do.
Things I won't miss:
- Having many, if not most, of my evenings and weekends taken up with meetings
- Multi-tasking and the to-do list I never seem to have the time to finish
- It being a herculean effort to have any time to myself
- Having my schedule booked up months in advance
I think it's going to feel odd to me to have so much time at my disposal. And I know I will need to be very intentional about making some changes, particularly when it comes to seeing other people. I think I could very happily use the time I'll have while the kids are in school to just read and rest for the first few weeks, but especially since I won't be seeing my colleagues and students, I think I will eventually be starved for some peer companionship without some adroit planning. So those of you in the area, I'm up for coffee dates sans kids, and playdates with, almost anytime starting in April!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The kids
To say I've had mixed emotions about my children the last 2 months is an understatement. On the on hand, they are all the more precious to me after watching Nathan die. I kept thinking that the primary job of any parent is to help their children grow into happy and healthy adults, and Mark was cheated out of being able to do that with Nathan (he talks about something similar in his own blog, http://mmmikasa.blogspot.com/). I think it's any parent's worst nightmare to lose one of their children, and I don't take it for granted that I have the privilege of caring for and loving Emma and Soren.
So somewhere on a deep level, my love for my children is stronger than ever. But on the surface, it's been incredibly hard to care for them these days. There's a twinge of guilt, especially for being grateful that I still have them when my friend's child is gone. There's a layer of distraction; between ministry responsbilities, especially while trying to get everything set up for me being gone on sabbatical, helping with Mark and Lucas, all the mundane household stuff like groceries and laundry, not to mention any space for myself to grieve, I'm just worn out and preoccupied most of the time. But the thing that's most draining for me on just about any level... emotional, physical, relational, spiritual... is taking care of Emma and Soren.
Under normal circumstances and on a good day, it's a challenge to handle life with a 5 year-old and 2 year-old. Just today I dealt with vomit, a broken glass on the carpet I had vacuumed an hour earlier, diarrhea, getting Soren to take 6 different doses of medicine, and all of it by myself since David is gone tonight. But the circumstances aren't normal; I have no emotional reserves right now because of all that's going on in me and around me. Thankfully, Soren started preschool last week, which is probably saving all of us from their mother totally losing it. The other godsend has been the MP3 player David gave me for Christmas, set low enough to hear any major crises but loud enough to drown out most whining.
I'm hoping me going on sabbatical next month will help me be able to reside more frequently on that deep level where I am able to treasure Emma and Soren as the incredible gifts they truly are to me. In the meanwhile, may God give me the grace to be a good parent to them and may my MP3 player not break.
So somewhere on a deep level, my love for my children is stronger than ever. But on the surface, it's been incredibly hard to care for them these days. There's a twinge of guilt, especially for being grateful that I still have them when my friend's child is gone. There's a layer of distraction; between ministry responsbilities, especially while trying to get everything set up for me being gone on sabbatical, helping with Mark and Lucas, all the mundane household stuff like groceries and laundry, not to mention any space for myself to grieve, I'm just worn out and preoccupied most of the time. But the thing that's most draining for me on just about any level... emotional, physical, relational, spiritual... is taking care of Emma and Soren.
Under normal circumstances and on a good day, it's a challenge to handle life with a 5 year-old and 2 year-old. Just today I dealt with vomit, a broken glass on the carpet I had vacuumed an hour earlier, diarrhea, getting Soren to take 6 different doses of medicine, and all of it by myself since David is gone tonight. But the circumstances aren't normal; I have no emotional reserves right now because of all that's going on in me and around me. Thankfully, Soren started preschool last week, which is probably saving all of us from their mother totally losing it. The other godsend has been the MP3 player David gave me for Christmas, set low enough to hear any major crises but loud enough to drown out most whining.
I'm hoping me going on sabbatical next month will help me be able to reside more frequently on that deep level where I am able to treasure Emma and Soren as the incredible gifts they truly are to me. In the meanwhile, may God give me the grace to be a good parent to them and may my MP3 player not break.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Second family
There was a lot going this last weekend, emotionally. I spent most of Saturday with Mark and Lucas, first visiting the cemetary, the first time I've been back since the burials, and then going with them to the first birthday party of one of Midi's counsin's sons. I'm glad I did all of those things; I have wanted to connect with Midi's family when I can. Her extended family is fairly close, and I feel like I know them all pretty well after the many years of talking about them and praying for them with Midi. There was a video at the party, and it included clips of Nathan and Midi with the family, the first time I've seen video of them since the accident.
But the thing I was most grateful from the weekend was the extended time with Lucas. For a while now I've been aware that my feelings toward Lucas have been shifting. I have always loved him and Nathan. I spent the whole day at the hospital the day they were born, just as Midi did with Emma. While we had never formalized anything between us, David and I considered Mark and Midi godparents to our children, and they had communicated similar sentiments to us regarding the twins. Nathan and Lucas were the closest thing I had to nephews, and my affection and concern for them was on par with that.
But with Midi's death, something changed for me in regards to Lucas. A few days after the accident, David and I had offered to Mark that we would move to be with them or near them if he wanted us to. But by about a week later, I realized that even if Mark never asked us, I would still want to relocate to be near them, that I wanted our family to overlap more with him and Lucas from here on. And in the weeks since, I've felt more and more that particularly with Lucas, I want to not be a substitute mother for him, but to fill as much of the gap that Midi's death left for him as much as possible.
My role so far has been more of a logistical one with Lucas and Mark, helping to manage all the details that have followed in the wake of the accident. I and the kids and often David have managed to get up to their house at least once a week, but I often have spent most of my time there making phone calls or handling various things. And quite frankly, with Emma and Soren visiting, Lucas is far more interested in running around with them than connecting with me. So it was nice to have a day where it was just me with Mark and Lucas. When it was time for me to leave, Lucas asked me not to go but to come with them to the next place they were going, which meant a lot to me.
I (and David) talked with Mark about my desire to help fill the mother gap for Lucas on Friday night. I've been very aware that no matter how strongly I may feel, it is Mark's decision what role I will have in his son's life. And while Mark has welcomed my help as manager, I wasn't sure how he'd feel about this. It was a good talk, and I think we are on the same page about it all. Mark talked about the idea of "second family", that he got from one of the books on raising boys that he's read, that boys have various circles of families around them. He said he sees us as Lucas' second family. We both agreed that how close our circle is to that of Lucas' first family, Mark and probably Midi's parents right now, will vary at certain points. If we are able to move closer to them, that will help bring it in tighter, as will our continuing to be around Lucas on a more regular basis in the short term. And if down the road, 5 or 10 years from now, Mark and Lucas' circumstances change and they don't need us to be so close in, our circle can extend out a bit more.
It has been a strange experience for me to have this little boy become so close to my heart, especially because of the suddenness of the shift in how I view him and because it almost has less to do with him than it does my friendship with Midi. I feel committed to him because of my commitment to her. I pray that God makes it clear to me, to Mark and to David what my role in his life should look like, both now and in the time to come.
But the thing I was most grateful from the weekend was the extended time with Lucas. For a while now I've been aware that my feelings toward Lucas have been shifting. I have always loved him and Nathan. I spent the whole day at the hospital the day they were born, just as Midi did with Emma. While we had never formalized anything between us, David and I considered Mark and Midi godparents to our children, and they had communicated similar sentiments to us regarding the twins. Nathan and Lucas were the closest thing I had to nephews, and my affection and concern for them was on par with that.
But with Midi's death, something changed for me in regards to Lucas. A few days after the accident, David and I had offered to Mark that we would move to be with them or near them if he wanted us to. But by about a week later, I realized that even if Mark never asked us, I would still want to relocate to be near them, that I wanted our family to overlap more with him and Lucas from here on. And in the weeks since, I've felt more and more that particularly with Lucas, I want to not be a substitute mother for him, but to fill as much of the gap that Midi's death left for him as much as possible.
My role so far has been more of a logistical one with Lucas and Mark, helping to manage all the details that have followed in the wake of the accident. I and the kids and often David have managed to get up to their house at least once a week, but I often have spent most of my time there making phone calls or handling various things. And quite frankly, with Emma and Soren visiting, Lucas is far more interested in running around with them than connecting with me. So it was nice to have a day where it was just me with Mark and Lucas. When it was time for me to leave, Lucas asked me not to go but to come with them to the next place they were going, which meant a lot to me.
I (and David) talked with Mark about my desire to help fill the mother gap for Lucas on Friday night. I've been very aware that no matter how strongly I may feel, it is Mark's decision what role I will have in his son's life. And while Mark has welcomed my help as manager, I wasn't sure how he'd feel about this. It was a good talk, and I think we are on the same page about it all. Mark talked about the idea of "second family", that he got from one of the books on raising boys that he's read, that boys have various circles of families around them. He said he sees us as Lucas' second family. We both agreed that how close our circle is to that of Lucas' first family, Mark and probably Midi's parents right now, will vary at certain points. If we are able to move closer to them, that will help bring it in tighter, as will our continuing to be around Lucas on a more regular basis in the short term. And if down the road, 5 or 10 years from now, Mark and Lucas' circumstances change and they don't need us to be so close in, our circle can extend out a bit more.
It has been a strange experience for me to have this little boy become so close to my heart, especially because of the suddenness of the shift in how I view him and because it almost has less to do with him than it does my friendship with Midi. I feel committed to him because of my commitment to her. I pray that God makes it clear to me, to Mark and to David what my role in his life should look like, both now and in the time to come.
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