Seeing clearly

I haven't been able to see well for about 4 months now. I wish it was a metaphor for some kind of spiritual or emotional haze, but it's very literal. I lost one of my contacts just before going on my sabbatical back in mid-March, and 8 pairs of contacts later, I still haven't gotten a fit/perscription that's working completely well. Part of the problem is that for over 20 years, I've worn gas permeable, or rigid, lenses. Hardly anyone wears them now, so they're harder to order and fit. The first pair I got was made a newer, supposedly better material that ended up scratching my eyes every time I blinked. So then came 3 pairs of "older material" contacts that had issues with glare. After 3 months of that, I finally agreed to make the switch to soft lenses. One of the advantages with gas permeable lenses (besides not having to be replaced that often; my last pair lasted me 8 years) is that it acts like a brace for your cornea. Well, now that that brace is gone, my eyes have deteoriated rapidly. In two weeks, I've needed to change perscriptions twice. I'm still not sure the latest pair I got today will work. My eyes just can't seem to adjust to the soft lenses, and I spend most of the day squinting, trying to get my eyes to stay focused. Needless to say, laser surgery is looking more appealing, despite not having the budget for it currently.

It feels like this whole contact/eye saga should have some deeper significance, especially since I've now spent much of my sabbatical in the optimetrist's office. But if there is "meaning" behind it all, I haven't figured it out yet. I did realize one somewhat bright note (if I could only see it clearly) is that I've actually had the time and space to sit in that office. I've been doing a lot of reading anyway, and I haven't minded reading there vs. in a bookstore or coffeeshop somewhere. Under normal circumstances, I think I'd be frustrated to the nth degree by now. But minus really wanting to be able to see clearly all day long and feeling kind of depressed for how long it's taking to figure it all out, I'm okay about it.

On a more serious note, in the last 2 weeks I found out a good friend had a cancerous tumor removed from her colon (she's my age and has two little kids) and that another friend discovered their young child had been molested by a neighborhood kid. My heart breaks for them both. I almost can't believe how much suffering there is in this world (and yet I can; I think both sets of news would have upset me more a year ago). Maybe that's the other reason I'm not more upset about the contact saga; in the face of the trauma around me, a little thing like vision problems doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

Timeline

I hit another wave of sadness this week that crested at church this morning. Nothing really triggered it, other than some of the avenues I've had for letting out some of my grief have been less present the last few weeks. The grief class, taking communion on Sundays, and visiting Midi and Nathan's graves on my way up to Pasadena for class all provided some outlet for the everpresent grief that I feel. But with no class, no travel that takes me up towards Rose Hills/Whittier, and with either be gone from church or working in the nursery the last month, I've either been alone in bookstore or coffeeshop somewhere or with the kids, not the most conducive experiences for a good cry.

So it all kind of hit this morning during the service. I'm not sure the topic would have made any difference at this point, but it happened to be on God redeeming the hard things in our lives and giving us comfort. I don't think I'm anywhere near the redemption/comfort stage yet. While I think I may get there eventually, I'm not even really in a hurry for it. I loved Midi too much to want to just "get over it" simply because the pain of her death is hard to bear. But I am starting to find it hard to explain to others how I feel. I know people want me to feel better because they care about me, and I think it must be difficult to know how to respond to someone who 6 months later is still very much in mourning. But there really can't be a timeline for this. I both couldn't and wouldn't be on one. I don't like life very much right now, but I don't want to take a shortcut, no matter how much better it might feel, at least in the shortrun.

I couldn't connect to the idea of God comforting me currently this morning. But I did hear Isaiah 54:11 in prayer. Right now, I am "afflicted...and not comforted". But there will be a day in the future where God will change that. I can accept that better than I can the idea that I should feel better in the present.