I was in a meeting yesterday where we were discussing a chapter in a book about God's love for us and the things that keep us from understanding/accepting that love. Two months ago I think I could have shared intelligently about ways I have experienced God's love or the ways I struggled to accept it. But now I simply don't know. A bomb has gone in the midst of the landscape of my soul, and I really don't know where everything has landed yet.
Some things seem to have remained in tact; I still believe in God's goodness and feel His presence in my life. But other things seem completely up-ended. I have found myself making decisions based almost solely on emotion and/or intuition, something I don't think I have ever done thus far in my life. Parts of my theology seem to be shifting. What used to be a normal week for me, working, doing ministry, taking care of the kids, family chores, now is almost torture for me to get through. And then I'll switch into "business" mode and be fine taking care of all sorts of things, from giving advice to the staff I supervise to doing the laundry to picking clothes out for Midi's burial with her mother.
Maybe the new contours of my soul will become evident fairly quickly, but I suspect the ground will remain a bit unstable for some time. Maybe that's what this blog will be for me... a way to point out the new landmarks as they become evident to me.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Sharing myself
I have decided to start a blog. I have ambivalent feelings for this form of technology. It seems like such an artificial way to share with people. And yet, I have enjoyed staying connected with far-flung friends with this.
But I realized this could serve several purposes. It's mostly for myself, to have another place to process what is going in on my life right now. But it also seems to a good way to keep those of you who do want to know how I'm doing up to speed. Much of what I'm feeling and thinking these days can't easily be encapsulated into a quick response to "how are you doing?". I mostly say "not good" and leave it at that unless time really allows for much more in-depth reply.
So we'll see how this goes. I am hoping to start a sabbatical with my job with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship starting in April, so I could both have more time than usual to keep up something like this and a desire to stay connected to more folks that I won't see as often for a little while. I'll leave the deeper thoughts for another time for now.
But I realized this could serve several purposes. It's mostly for myself, to have another place to process what is going in on my life right now. But it also seems to a good way to keep those of you who do want to know how I'm doing up to speed. Much of what I'm feeling and thinking these days can't easily be encapsulated into a quick response to "how are you doing?". I mostly say "not good" and leave it at that unless time really allows for much more in-depth reply.
So we'll see how this goes. I am hoping to start a sabbatical with my job with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship starting in April, so I could both have more time than usual to keep up something like this and a desire to stay connected to more folks that I won't see as often for a little while. I'll leave the deeper thoughts for another time for now.
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