I was in a meeting yesterday where we were discussing a chapter in a book about God's love for us and the things that keep us from understanding/accepting that love. Two months ago I think I could have shared intelligently about ways I have experienced God's love or the ways I struggled to accept it. But now I simply don't know. A bomb has gone in the midst of the landscape of my soul, and I really don't know where everything has landed yet.
Some things seem to have remained in tact; I still believe in God's goodness and feel His presence in my life. But other things seem completely up-ended. I have found myself making decisions based almost solely on emotion and/or intuition, something I don't think I have ever done thus far in my life. Parts of my theology seem to be shifting. What used to be a normal week for me, working, doing ministry, taking care of the kids, family chores, now is almost torture for me to get through. And then I'll switch into "business" mode and be fine taking care of all sorts of things, from giving advice to the staff I supervise to doing the laundry to picking clothes out for Midi's burial with her mother.
Maybe the new contours of my soul will become evident fairly quickly, but I suspect the ground will remain a bit unstable for some time. Maybe that's what this blog will be for me... a way to point out the new landmarks as they become evident to me.
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4 comments:
Oh dear Anne,
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I do feel the pain as you try to cope with what is yes, a bomb, and as you try to face the fallout emotionally physically mentally and spiritually. I've seen the bomb and I know, I know. I'm so sorry. I think of you with true empathy and love and I am here for you even in the limited capacity my health allows. I am so glad you have decided to do this blog, and to share with all of us. Thank you. Love, Desha
Dear Anne,
I have been wanting to call you, but I'm grateful that this blog will give me a window into how you are feeling - with taking care of our kids (as you know) it's so hard to have a focused, long conversation, and that's really what I'm longing to have with you. Dave and I are praying for you and the Mikasas. You are all so often in my thoughts.
love,
Carole
I was so stirred reading this blog post Anne & am praying for you. I pray for grace as the pieces of your soul slowly settles.
Thinking of you & your family,
Nancy
Dear Anne - I stumbled upon this blog via your facebook page. I completely understand what you mean about finding yourself suddenly in a new reality in so many ways after Midi's death...and I can only imagine how much greater the pain is for you and Mark and those closest to her. I am grateful to hear your thoughts and how you are doing. I'll just say that I really relate - and you will be in my prayers.
Much love,
Tina
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