In the Deep

Things have continued to be harder for me this month. I am grieving on a much deeper level than I have thus far, which, since it didn't feel that "light" before, is somewhat unexpected. It's as if much of the last year was spent swimming in the breakers- a hard enough task in its own right, full of struggle and intense effort. But now I'm deep under water. It is a somewhat more peaceful place to be in that I'm not working through or against anything anymore. There's really nothing to be done. Prayer, time with friends, counseling, reading books on grief- those all still have their place and haven't stopped being helpful, but they don't make it all better either. While I do think I won't stay in this particular place of grieving forever, I'm not waiting for it to get better either.

So the peace that can be found in the deep water is also a difficult one. I may not be hopeless, but there's not a whole lot I'm hoping for either. I am overwhelmed with missing my friend alot of the time. My emotional margins are pretty slim, and my kids usually take up whatever's available there. I still feel less up for initiating with others. Given that it's usually my husband whose the melancholy one in our relationship, we're a rather morose pair these days.

I may not be drowning in the deep, but I definitely feel weighed down by where I am right now. Comfort, hope and joy all seem far away. May they come near sooner rather than later...