In the Deep

Things have continued to be harder for me this month. I am grieving on a much deeper level than I have thus far, which, since it didn't feel that "light" before, is somewhat unexpected. It's as if much of the last year was spent swimming in the breakers- a hard enough task in its own right, full of struggle and intense effort. But now I'm deep under water. It is a somewhat more peaceful place to be in that I'm not working through or against anything anymore. There's really nothing to be done. Prayer, time with friends, counseling, reading books on grief- those all still have their place and haven't stopped being helpful, but they don't make it all better either. While I do think I won't stay in this particular place of grieving forever, I'm not waiting for it to get better either.

So the peace that can be found in the deep water is also a difficult one. I may not be hopeless, but there's not a whole lot I'm hoping for either. I am overwhelmed with missing my friend alot of the time. My emotional margins are pretty slim, and my kids usually take up whatever's available there. I still feel less up for initiating with others. Given that it's usually my husband whose the melancholy one in our relationship, we're a rather morose pair these days.

I may not be drowning in the deep, but I definitely feel weighed down by where I am right now. Comfort, hope and joy all seem far away. May they come near sooner rather than later...

Thank You

Several of you have written me notes or emails in the last week or two, expressing concern for me during this anniversary season of Midi and Nathan's deaths and letting me know that you're praying for me. Forgive me for not replying to all of you directly, but I did want to express appreciation not only for those expressions of care but for the many of you who have been thinking of me and my family and praying for us this last year. I am sure this year who have significantly more difficult without the many ways you have cared for me, in prayer and othewise.

The last few weeks definitely have been hard for me. Much of December was taken up with just trying to get through all the Christmas stuff that had to be done: cards, presents, parties for the kids, etc. But underneath the business has been a pretty deep layer of mourning for me. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone, not even close friends or David which, as those of you who know me well can attest, is very unlike me. I process things externally in pretty much all circumstances, so the desire to pull back so much relationally has spoken to how hard things have been internally. I'm reliving a lot of what I went through this time last year. But now that I am not caught up in shock and active response to their loss, I miss them even more than I did before. I'm glad to have gotten through 2008, but I'm not waiting for things to feel better quickly either. There's good things about that state, but along with not having expectations of improvement there is a lack of hopefulness and moroseness.

So for those of you who pray for me, I still need and appreciate your care for me in that way. Thanks again...