The kids

To say I've had mixed emotions about my children the last 2 months is an understatement. On the on hand, they are all the more precious to me after watching Nathan die. I kept thinking that the primary job of any parent is to help their children grow into happy and healthy adults, and Mark was cheated out of being able to do that with Nathan (he talks about something similar in his own blog, http://mmmikasa.blogspot.com/). I think it's any parent's worst nightmare to lose one of their children, and I don't take it for granted that I have the privilege of caring for and loving Emma and Soren.

So somewhere on a deep level, my love for my children is stronger than ever. But on the surface, it's been incredibly hard to care for them these days. There's a twinge of guilt, especially for being grateful that I still have them when my friend's child is gone. There's a layer of distraction; between ministry responsbilities, especially while trying to get everything set up for me being gone on sabbatical, helping with Mark and Lucas, all the mundane household stuff like groceries and laundry, not to mention any space for myself to grieve, I'm just worn out and preoccupied most of the time. But the thing that's most draining for me on just about any level... emotional, physical, relational, spiritual... is taking care of Emma and Soren.

Under normal circumstances and on a good day, it's a challenge to handle life with a 5 year-old and 2 year-old. Just today I dealt with vomit, a broken glass on the carpet I had vacuumed an hour earlier, diarrhea, getting Soren to take 6 different doses of medicine, and all of it by myself since David is gone tonight. But the circumstances aren't normal; I have no emotional reserves right now because of all that's going on in me and around me. Thankfully, Soren started preschool last week, which is probably saving all of us from their mother totally losing it. The other godsend has been the MP3 player David gave me for Christmas, set low enough to hear any major crises but loud enough to drown out most whining.

I'm hoping me going on sabbatical next month will help me be able to reside more frequently on that deep level where I am able to treasure Emma and Soren as the incredible gifts they truly are to me. In the meanwhile, may God give me the grace to be a good parent to them and may my MP3 player not break.