Timeline

I hit another wave of sadness this week that crested at church this morning. Nothing really triggered it, other than some of the avenues I've had for letting out some of my grief have been less present the last few weeks. The grief class, taking communion on Sundays, and visiting Midi and Nathan's graves on my way up to Pasadena for class all provided some outlet for the everpresent grief that I feel. But with no class, no travel that takes me up towards Rose Hills/Whittier, and with either be gone from church or working in the nursery the last month, I've either been alone in bookstore or coffeeshop somewhere or with the kids, not the most conducive experiences for a good cry.

So it all kind of hit this morning during the service. I'm not sure the topic would have made any difference at this point, but it happened to be on God redeeming the hard things in our lives and giving us comfort. I don't think I'm anywhere near the redemption/comfort stage yet. While I think I may get there eventually, I'm not even really in a hurry for it. I loved Midi too much to want to just "get over it" simply because the pain of her death is hard to bear. But I am starting to find it hard to explain to others how I feel. I know people want me to feel better because they care about me, and I think it must be difficult to know how to respond to someone who 6 months later is still very much in mourning. But there really can't be a timeline for this. I both couldn't and wouldn't be on one. I don't like life very much right now, but I don't want to take a shortcut, no matter how much better it might feel, at least in the shortrun.

I couldn't connect to the idea of God comforting me currently this morning. But I did hear Isaiah 54:11 in prayer. Right now, I am "afflicted...and not comforted". But there will be a day in the future where God will change that. I can accept that better than I can the idea that I should feel better in the present.