I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't do anything to feel better right now, nor will any circumstances changing substantially help. My basic wiring is to want answer and resolution, to want to fix things and make them better. It's taken me a while to realize that none of that really works or is possible in this situation. There are things that I can and should do that will help: reading, prayer, counseling, time with friends, self-awareness, etc. But all the self-knowledge in the world, or the best care from others, won't make much of a dent on the desolation I feel right now. There is a deeper despair going on for me that isn't immdiately fixable.
If the chief end of man is to "glorify God and to enjoy Him forever", I guess I'm struggling with the "enjoying" part. I wouldn't have ever argued that enjoying God meant complete happiness or pleasure constantly. I think, instead, it means havin gyour identity and worth rooted firmly in God an dexperiencing the peace and contentedness that comes from that. I still think that that is possible for me. In fact, there are some ways that my identity is being even more deeply rooted in God through this experience.
But the peace and contentedness feel a long way off now, if not unobtainable. What the "good life" would look like for me now is a mystery. I wonder if things will ever feel good, now that the loss of Midi and Nathan will always be in the backdrop for me. It seems to me that the best I can hope for is carving out some kind of peace or acceptance for this version of the future that will never be what I would have really wanted.
Hence my question about enjoying God. Will I get to a place where I'm able to be completely content in Him again? Was I ever there before, if my version of contentment hinged so much on circumstances being to my liking? Will the sense of desolation ebb at some point or will that always be there for me, at least to some degree?
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